This morning, I spoke with my dad about how hurt I feel when he says I need to “forget things” or “let it go” or “leave it in the past.”
I told him “Don’t you think if I could forget about it, I would?”
“Don’t you think I want to forget about it? You think I want to live my life, everyday, feeling this way, fearing when I’ll open a door or turn my head and see someone that has hurt me horribly?”
If only it were that easy.
I also asked him to put the punching bag back up so I could go and work out some anger and exercise.
He didn’t respond when I told him these things. His silence was enough to know he understood.
He never is one for talking about emotions and feelings much.
He said he would put the bag back up when he had a friend over to help.
Work was okay. One of my managers snapped at me and that ruined the last hour I was working, but overall, it was a better day than yesterday.
When I was leaving work, I talked to the manager who snapped at me, we both apologized and admitted where we were both wrong and I left feeling better.
I’ve been studying tonight for my servsafe course for my management job. Feels weird, to be studying again, but I like it. It reminds me how much I enjoy learning, how smart I am, and I’m eager to look into going back to school in the fall, if I’m ready. Maybe just a few classes when I’m not working.
I told Andres when he watched me studying.
“I need to go back to school. I miss this. I’m too smart not to go back to school.”
It felt good to compliment myself, knowing it was true.
I am proud of who I am.
Well, I’m proud of who I am learning I am.
Life isn't easy, but it's worth it. 