Counting my losses.
This is an entry about trying to count my losses, an exercise within a courage to heal, as assigned to me, by my counselor.
Category: Writing Prompts
Journal Prompt: What I wear to bed.
Short answer to the prompt: I wear clothes to bed now, because I am too scared that I may provoke my husband or myself, and what triggers, anxiety, panic, and hurt that may invoke. However, on the positive side, I am feeling more loved and respected than I think I have ever felt in a relationship. Even, if I have guilt and shame because I feel like I “owe it” to have sex with my husband.
Those words I can’t say
I fear that I’m crazy. That I’ve lost it and I’m just acting like I have it all together. I’m just playing the role of whoever they want me to be. I struggle with this almost daily. I struggle being me or being who I think others want me to be.
My whole life, I’ve been told to be quiet, calm down, control yourself, you are too loud, you just want attention, you are selfish, stop crying, stop yelling, stop feeling, stop being you. I kept searching for an identity but was continually put down no matter what I did-Everything I did to make myself happy was always torn away.
Writing Prompt:
This is a writing prompt about who I would chose on my deathbed. I go over the battle in my head and finally the reasons behind my final choice.
Life isn't easy, but it's worth it. 