Obviously, if you have been following me for awhile, you already know that I have PTSD, as well as major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. The things I will be talking about is to further explain how my PTSD effects me from what I have learned about PTSD through my tough journey the past […]
Before I forget. He asked me when if I wanted him to leave now or at nine. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to tell him to just leave, I can’t remember if I said anything at all to him, but I walked out of the kitchen into my room and sat for […]
I hold something in my hands that can change the world something filled with destruction and pain it will change the world my world so delicate as though it could crumble * […]
I already feel like I’m going to regret this in the morning, but whatever. I’ve always tried to tell my husband how I feel in Spanish. So I’m going to write to him right now, in English. So my normal followers, go ahead and ignore the rant. I’m a little drunk. Normally I would push […]
I finally had a counseling session this morning and I’m not sure how I’m feeling, besides overwhelmed with sadness that has me crying continuously. Luckily I had to go into work right after my appointment, so I didn’t have much time to think about what happened or what I felt. When I got home after […]
“XXX meets the criteria for ADHD (moderate to severe) however, ADD cannot fully explain many of the other observed behaviors on the social and emotional indicators. There may be signs of depression and anxiety, especially centering around abandonment issues and XXX has experienced a lot of stressors in her family life. Her irritability and often antagonistic and intrusive behaviors with a low frustration tolerance (STILL HAVE), may be a manifestation of something other than ADHD. Childhood depression needs to be ruled out.”
I’m really saddened that she had to survive like that. That I had to survive like that. I wish I didn’t have to survive like that. I really wish that little girl didn’t have to suffer like she did. To grow up with a warp sense of what love was, what sex was, and what she was good for.
I guess this stems from when I was younger (child and adult) and my feelings not being acknowledged. I was always “demanding attention” and hyperactive and was often pushed away. Told to calm down or to be quiet. I remember being told I used to push in between people, to get the attention of one of them, for example, my mom and sister, I would push my way in the middle trying to get my moms attention.
You deserved more. You deserved love and kindness. You deserved to have a big brother that would protect you, not hurt you. You deserved gentleness, not rape. You deserved hugs not physical abuse.
I’m not so scared, no as much as I was yesterday and the day before, and the day before that. But I am still scared of people, being outside, thinking of all the horrors that could happen. I keep trying to calm myself down and I can’t. I can’t calm her down.
Life isn't easy, but it's worth it. 