I finally had a counseling session this morning and I’m not sure how I’m feeling, besides overwhelmed with sadness that has me crying continuously. Luckily I had to go into work right after my appointment, so I didn’t have much time to think about what happened or what I felt.
When I got home after work with the kids, I just felt sad. Yet, almost numb because I couldn’t really place exactly why I was feeling that way and I’m still not sure I can.
This session wasn’t about my brother or my abuse.
It was about my relationship with my husband/roommate.
My counselor says that perhaps I have outgrown my husband. I need more, I want more out of life and he just can’t offer it. I have a lot of guilt for being married to him in the church (not by the state though) and trying to hold onto my faith in God and believe that this is the right thing, where God wants me to be.
And me giving up on those marriage promises I vowed in front of God, makes me feel guilty.
But my counselor told me today that I got married for the wrong reasons, I got married out of guilt (due to pre-martial sex) since I became born again. I had wanted to make things right with God and I thought marrying him would fix everything.
I feel so heartbroken.
I want to want him. I want to want to be with him, but I just don’t.
I want to be understood though too, I want to be able to share my passions with someone and they get me, or at least try to. I want to share my writings and poetry with someone and be understand, I want to be able to speak and know I’ll be understood. I want to be seen. I feel so invisible, so unimportant. I want to be able to share my deepest emotions and thoughts without struggling for the words and being anxious and stressed about explaining myself good enough.
The “seven year itch” is really ironic to me today, because yesterday was our seven year anniversary.
I think I’ve stayed so long because I just kept waiting for things to get better. I also, for a long time, didn’t think I deserved better. Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t the worst guy in the world, which is the only reason I’ve stayed this long.
Funny, I can recall now, telling my sponsor, well he doesn’t hit me, he goes to work and pays the bills, so I should be happy right?
That was two years ago.
I guess I’ve just held onto the good times, the times we laugh all night long, when he makes me feel beautiful or when I feel like I’m understood.
But they’ve come so far and few in between.
This song is basically how I have felt the past several years. But I don’t anymore. I’m done waiting. I’m going to try to move on, with me. Where he plays in my future, only time will tell.
Life isn't easy, but it's worth it. 