Well due to a mistake either on my part or my counselor’s office, I actually have the appointment scheduled for tomorrow. So now, I will have another day of anxiety until I see her. I have a feeling today will be a bad day because I only slept about four hours, plus I drank a few expresso shots to get me moving this morning, instead of going back to bed, because I thought I had to be up and moving for my counseling appointment this morning. I have work 11-3 and then again 5-2am. Ugh. It’s going to be a long hard day. The caffeine doesn’t help with my anxiety because I’m amped up on that stuff.
I’ve gotten myself put on a waiting list to be scheduled for ADHD testing. I was diagnosed as a child but not as an adult and they want a diagnoses to be able to get me on the proper meds for it or to be able to rule ADHD out and then we will have to consider the fact that my PTSD is hiding behind my ADHD symptoms.
I actually researched a little about the similarities between the two and I know for sure I have PTSD, I just wonder if all this time my ADHD was really me just dealing with my trauma. I read the psychological report that was made when I was 9. I am that same exact little girl.
“XXXX also has difficulty sleeping and calming down at night” “She is restless and tosses and turns all over.” “XXX is an excellent student.” “However, XXX’s inability to concentrate and her restlessness are now more greatly influential in deteriorating her schoolwork performance.” Even at eight, I was showing signs of anxiety and depression. During the testing that was performed, I would insult myself, and practically have a panic attack if I couldn’t understand how to do something or thought I wouldn’t be able to complete it. I always did, with the right answer, but that didn’t mean I didn’t freak out until I did.
” XXX made many negative self statements. She stated ‘I am dumb.’ and often alluded to her inability to complete these problems.” “XXX also exhibited an extraordinary high need for affection and attention.” “Within her creative stories, themes of anger, abadonment, death, and suicide were exhibited. Many of her stories were violent, with content such as, downing, monsters chasing people, car accidents, people getting killed, and people dying.” “She indicated anxiety about someone getting hurt in her family or someone dying in her family. The theme of her own abandonment was apparent.” “It was also apparent that XXX wants to be a good girl, she wants to help people and do things for other people and that much of her intrusive nature is her way of trying to help others do things (LOL! I still do this!).
“XXX meets the criteria for ADHD (moderate to severe) however, ADD cannot fully explain many of the other observed behaviors on the social and emotional indicators. There may be signs of depression and anxiety, especially centering around abandonment issues and XXX has experienced a lot of stressors in her family life. Her irritability and often antagonistic and intrusive behaviors with a low frustration tolerance (STILL HAVE), may be a manifestation of something other than ADHD. Childhood depression needs to be ruled out.”
I don’t remember going to another counselor after that. I remember really liking my sessions with the counselor because I had one on one attention and we played a bunch of games and I got prizes afterwards. I was really upset when I had to stop seeing her and I didn’t understand why. They recommended that I be seen for depression and anxiety and to get on ADHD meds. I know for a fact, that I was never put on meds for my ADHD. I didn’t even know I had it until a year ago, when I read this report that mom gave me and held onto for all these years.
I hadn’t really ever thought of it when I was growing up, I just dealt with. However, once I got sober, I started recognizing the symptoms and asked my mom. She gave me this report.
The report makes me angry because it was obvious I was suffering and going through something and I don’t know if anything was ever done for it. I was an intelligent girl and I was suffering and obsessed with death and pain. I was living in fear. AT 8! EIGHT YEARS OLD! What 8 year old has so many fears?
I am eager to share this report with my counselor and doctor to see what they say. I only gave tidbits of what the report said, sticking to the most important parts that stood out to me. I was also considered a genius in math but struggled verbally. My mom stated in this report that I would push in the middle of people to try and get their attention and constantly interrupt until I was heard.
I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted someone to listen. I wanted someone to see me.
Life isn't easy, but it's worth it. 