Those words I just can’t say are…..
I really need help and I’m not okay. I can’t do this by myself and that upsets me. That it saddens me that there are some days when I don’t want to care for myself and its so much harder to care for two toddlers. Sometimes I’m so stressed out from the world and lack of alone (thinking/me) time that I lash out or scream at the kids or Andres. I feel so ashamed that I can get to that point. It’s embarrassing that I can’ t control myself or calm myself down. Then I get angry because others around me (mainly Andres) aren’t more helpful or sympathetic to my stress/agitation/anger/anxiety/irritated feelings. I feel entitled to be coddled. I guess I wish they (Andres) would care enough to try to help or see it coming and talk to me and try to prevent it or not get upset when I do lose it.
If I do lose it, I get so much more upset (guilty,shame,embarrassment) with me and now Andres because he’s upset with me because I couldn’t control myself. Sometimes it takes a lot to get me to that point, but other times, it comes on as quickly as switching on a lamp.
It hurts me and makes me feel stupid because I can’t calm myself down. Then I feel guilty for upsetting the kids or Andres and I beat myself up for that, telling myself I’m stupid, he doesn’t love me, that I’m not a good person, etc.,etc..
He’s gotten better about recognizing when I’m getting upset and asking whats wrong. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m stressed out, until he says something. Think it gets me thinking and I tell him, no matter how big or small it is. He listens and answers, and talks about it. I like it. I love it actually. Even if its stupid, he doesn’t look at me like I’m stupid, not anymore.
Somedays I feel fine, that I’m in control of my life, but other days, I don’t wanna get out of bed, I don’t want to do the things that I know are good for me, such as, working out, going to work, playing with the kids, showering, eating….,
I fear that I’m crazy. That I’ve lost it and I’m just acting like I have it all together. I’m just playing the role of whoever they want me to be. I struggle with this almost daily. I struggle being me or being who I think others want me to be. My sister once told me that I don’t let her in. That I say that she knows me better than anyone else, but she still feels like I don’t let her all the way in cause I’m scared. And I think that’s true. I think Andres knows me better than anyone else. He’s seen me at my worst, at my best. He’s been angry but silent, he’s been loving. But I still don’t feel like he loves me for me, because I haven’t ever been me. I changed so much trying to be the woman he wanted me to be (or how I thought he wanted me to be) that somewhere I lost myself. This past six months I’ve been really trying to get to know myself and let others see it. I’m starting to not care what people think of me, because I like me. It’s not worth my time if I can’t be myself around people. If people don’t like who I am, then why would I want to be around them anyways?
I struggle so much with expressing myself. I’m always worried about how I appear to the other person. When I wanna cry or scream I hold back because I’m ashamed or embarrassed of what people will think of me. I feel like I’m always shut down when I do express myself, that may stem from when I was a child, when I wasn’t able to share anything and when I did, I was told I was wrong. My outlook on life was pretty confusing I think. It still is. I don’t know what is real or what isn’t. I have confidence in myself, that I know the answer or that I can do something, then I freak out and second guess everything I say or do. I don’t know if I’m being too dramatic, or if I’m allowed to cry or scream. I’m so used to people criticizing me when I cry or break down. I’m so tried of being strong. I’m tired of pretending I’m strong. Sometimes I am strong, but right now, I’m not.
I’m scared. I’m scared about what path God is taking me on. I’m scared what all this means. I’m scared to feel and think about my past, and what that means for me now and in the future. I wanna run away, but feel too responsible for everyone else that I don’t feel like I can leave. Not for a day or a week or a month. I am too loyal to my jobs. I am too anxious about leaving my kids and father behind. I’m worried about what everyone is doing and saying about me. I really need to get to the point where I give a fuck about me for a change. I need to stop worrying about everyone else. They certainly aren’t worrying about me. And maybe they are, I don’t mean that harshly, but I deserve to take care of me. I deserve to learn to love me and grow through my pain. I deserve to have the time to heal. I just wish I did it ten years ago, before I had all this responsibility of life. I wish I could go away for a month or two and just focus. Or that everyone else would go away for awhile. Leave me alone in my apartment, with my bed, my things, my food, and just let me heal. But I can’t. I can’t do either. But that’s what I want and that’s what I deserve.
Wow. Since I’ve been thinking and trying to work on myself and my past a lot lately, I just came to a conclusion and some thoughts about something. My whole life, I’ve been told to be quiet, calm down, control yourself, you are too loud, you just want attention, you are selfish, stop crying, stop yelling, stop feeling, stop being you. I kept searching for an identity but was continually put down no matter what I did- everything I did to make myself happy was always torn away. The makeup or clothes or weird habits, the uniqueness or strange things I liked, made me happy, but I was often told I was wrong for it or teased for it, from kids at school, from my family at home. I love it when someone compliments me for being me, like lately I’ve been doing my eyes really dramatic when working at Mcdonald’s because I want to show off my personality since I’m stuck in a uniform. I got a lot of positive comments so I kept doing it. Now I feel great and beautiful by just being me and doing what I want and like. Andres also used to complain how I used to do my makeup. Too much black eyeliner, too dark, too much eye makeup. My hair colors were too crazy. So I toned it down, I wanted him to love me and be happy with me. I stuffed who I wanted to be, deep inside me, and anytime she tried to come out, I would shove her back in there because I was scared of rejection.
But I’m getting tired of trying to please everyone. I’ve been left behind, lost in the dust of others paths. I just wanna be happy. And I know now that I can’t get happiness from others, it comes from within. It doesn’t matter what others think of me, only what God thinks of me. And what I think of me. I think most of the time (when I’m in ‘control’), I’m a pretty awesome person. I’m funny, I’m outgoing, I care, I’m interested, I’m intelligent, etc.,etc….. But I feel like if others can’t see all that, then it must not be true. And they would have to acknowledge that they know that about me, by verbally telling me or some other way. If someone doesn’t say thank you, or good job or I’m so proud of you, its like I did it for nothing. I need to be awknowledged. Low self esteem? Of course. I beat myself up. I insult myself.
I can’t admit that I’m weak. That I need help. When I reach out for help, its been laughed at. Subjects have been changed. Or I get a little help, but not enough. I’m scared what they will say. Mom and Paul especially. I feel like I have to prove I’m okay to them more than anyone else. I also want to make dad proud of me, but I don’t think he would be ashamed because I’m sad and weak. Mom and Paul have been my biggest haters, my biggest challenges, my biggest mountains. After all this time, I still want to make them proud. I still want to prove them wrong. I want to wow them. I want them to apologize and say sorry and admit they thought I could never do it and that they are amazed I did it. I want them to admit how damn awesome I am and I want to see the shame on their faces for the way they’ve been towards me during my life. I’ll never get that apology from either one of them, I don’t think. And I’m not sure I want it either. Because then I would feel inclined to try and forgive them or feel bad for them and I don’t want to feel bad for them right now. I want to feel bad for me for a change. I want to take care of me for a change and worry about how I feel for a change. I’m tired of this same bullshit that is my past coming back and haunting me. I want to get it out and work it out so I can truly understands its affects on me and my life. I wanna know why I do what I do and what I can do to be better. I don’t wanna listen to the screams of self doubt or voices of opposition anymore. I wanna be me. I wanna find me. I wanna love me. I wanna be happy. I wanna be so happy that no one can take it away.
❤
Life isn't easy, but it's worth it. 