Writing Prompt:

         Note: In this prompt, I am dying of a sudden fatal accident.  I believe my thoughts and feelings would be different if I were to die at an old age or of a terminal illness. Though I still believe that my final choice would still be my choice, regardless of cause of death.

The first person(s) that came to mind when reading this prompt was my youngest children, Maria Isabel, 1 and Alexandros, 3. However, I think that my toddlers wouldn’t understand what was happening and I fear more harm than good would come from it.  I quickly decided that I wouldn’t want any of my children with me, even Astraea, who is 16 (though she would high up on the list) because I want my children to hold onto happy memories of me, not memories of me in pain or suffering.   I think if I would have chosen one or all my children, it would have been selfish of me.

Update: Though as I edit this post, I think that if I truly died today and had to pick between my four kids, I would pick my son Nicholas, because I haven’t seen him, touched him, heard his voice, or spoke with him in several years and there would be so much I would want to tell him. ~ a story for another day.

Next, I thought about my husband Andres.  But to be honest, I would be too busy trying to tell him what he needed to do (struggling with our language barrier) that I would die angry and frustrated with a good chance of leaving this world being misunderstood.

But apart from that, I thought to myself,

“What things could I say in those last moments that I haven’t already said to him a million times?”  I’ve already bared my heart and soul to him: how much I love him and how I want the kids raised.  I’ve already enlightened him as much as I could at this point about having a relationship with God- so if I die today, I would go at peace, knowing I told him everything that needed to be said. 

Per our usual routine, we kissed goodbye this morning.  Even when we fight and are angry at each other, we kiss. I told him years ago:

“We might be mad, but we still love each other, and if something were to happen to either of us and we left things bad with no proper goodbye, we would regret it”

So even when we are mad at each other, we still kiss goodbye.  He knows I love him, there isn’t anything more I could say that would make my death easier on him nor for me. I’m happy to write that I could die today without any regrets.

So then who would I want to spend my last moments with?

Update: While editing this, I thought of my father, who means the world to me, but I think he would also have a hard time in seeing me die, just as he had a hard time seeing me in jail.  {though this prompt has brought up things that I do want to express to him} 

As my mind struggled onto the next option. The next person to flash into my mind was my sister, Nicole.

Nicole is my oldest sister.  We didn’t live together growing up, due to our parents’ divorce when I was a toddler.  She had always been my best friend, even when the years, the distance, and my drug addiction separated us.  She has been my favorite sibling (and person) for as long as I can remember, though I can’t speak for her.  She is my hero.

She’s a beautiful person.  And she is the one I would want with me in my last moments.  Why?

1. She is kind.  She would know just what to say to let me know its okay to let go.
2. She is intelligent.  She is just like me and would tell me all the things I already know and need to hear but temporarily forgotten in a moment of weakness.
3. She is honest.  She’s the sole person I know that I entrust in sharing my last moments with me. I can trust her that she would tell the story of my final moments (my words, my thoughts, my feelings, my tears, my fears, my wishes) in bright light. I can also trust her to make me out stronger and more fearless that I would feel in those last moments.
4. She is wise beyond her years and wouldn’t beat around the bush about what is happening and what needs done; I think if either of us were struggling with denial in those last moments, one would gently inform the other that they are being ridiculous and needed to face the reality of the situation.  🙂
5. She is loving.  She would gently deliver the news to everyone else that I had died, minimizing the shock or hurt in others.
6. She is responsible.  Who else would be capable of remembering all the details, of my final requests {where my purse is, what she needs to tell my dad or my husband or my kids, where the insurance policy is -or isn’t, where the keys are, where I left my debit card, and where the babies diapers are} under all that pressure?

She’s the rock of our family.  I know she’s my rock.  She keeps my pieces together, even if she may not know they are falling apart.  I know she loves me unconditionally and doesn’t judge me or criticize me (at least not out loud).  She is more than my sister; she is my soul mate.

Most of all, she would just love me.  She would hold me, crying with me, and tell me everything was going to be okay; however, when I tell her she’s lying, she admits it. She might even admit she’s scared.  Regardless of her fears, she would do her best to help me leave with faith that everyone I leave behind would be alright so I could pass on peacefully.

All I know is not only do I want my sister, but I need my sister in those last moments too.

❤ Nicole