Tonight I tried an exercise of praying to God out loud and also talking to myself out loud. It’s one thing to “think” about things, but it’s often more powerful to say them out loud and helps you sort and remember better too.
I realized that I am in a constant battle with myself. A battle of love against hate. I hate myself so much and yet I love myself too. It’s as though there are two parts of me, three even.
There’s the one who really hates me.
The one who really loves me.
me being the little inner child, the little girl who is trying to heal, the little girl I still am. I hate feeling like a lost child in an adults body.
The part of me who hates me? She think I should get over this. She thinks I’m being dramatic and immature and don’t deserve to dwell on the past. She says I should be over it. What the fuck is wrong with you if you haven’t moved on past this? It wasn’t as bad as you think, so just get over it already. She is the constant reminder of everything I do wrong, how stupid and worthless I am.
My other part tells me that I am allowed to feel and take the time to heal. That I am allowed to cry and scream and not want to get out of bed. I deserve to rest and do whatever I need to do to get better. She’s the one who reminds me of everything I’m accomplished and how far I have come. She reminds me of who I used to be, because I’m not her anymore. She reminds me because I’m so much better than I was then. The only time she wants me to look back is to see how far I’ve come. She’s almost like the loving mother I never had.
I feel that I most closely relate to this part of me. I feel like this is my true me. I feel like the one who hates me is the old me, who’ve I’ve slowly been shedding over the years.
The old me is the constant reminder of my misery of my past that screams at me whenever I feel good about anything.
It’s almost like two parents, a mother and father. a paragon of good and evil. Who watches over and says what they think is best for “me.” Me would be my inner child. My hurt little self.
She is the part of me who is “active” right now. I sound like I have multiple personalities. 😛
She is very scared and sad and depressed right now. She is trying to focus on the feelings and why she feels that way, but she has her “mom and dad” arguing about how she should be cared for. I feel like a child so small and weak who trying to be so strong and grown up. My angry side constantly berates me for “feeling” “thinking” “messing up” “not being perfect” My loving side tells me its okay to feel and think. And I’m not perfect and messing up is just a way to learn. She is the one who encourages me to constantly strive to be better, work harder, get stronger.
The angry, hateful me tells me its stupid to try. Tells me to give up and give in. That I’m not important and I don’t matter. No one cares and no one will. That I will always be hurt and let down because I don’t deserve love and am unworthy of the air I breathe. That one sometimes tells me the world would be better off without me. But the loving side of me knows that none of that is true.
It just depends on the day and the chaos within it which voice is more powerful. My inner child currently is just trying to understand how her abuse and hurt is affecting her now and trying to just survive. My little “me” just wants to be loves and understood. Just wants someone to love her through this, to hold her and listen to her. And luckily that loving part of me is trying to do that for her.
Now if only she can block out the part of me that hates me.