It’s been a tough week for me. I feel really sensitive and depressed. I’ve been crying a lot and just seem to not want to deal with anything. I sleep every minute I get, even if I already had sufficient rest for the day.
This seems to have stemmed from when my husband tried to have sex with me about a week ago.
(If you don’t remember, or you’re new, I’ve been mentally unable to have sex with him or get very close to him since my recent breakdown and re-diagnosis of PTSD due to starting to deal with my incest, rape, and other abuse I suffered throughout my childhood through therapy.)
I’ve been really struggling with his response when I tried to talk about it with him. I told him that even if I was ready to have sex again, the first time we made love wouldn’t have been some quickie in the morning, because he had morning wood, but nicer. I told him when he tries to have sex with me like that, just cause he’s turned on, it makes me feel disgusting and nasty. It makes me feel like a whore that isn’t worth anything more than her body.
He shook his head in disbelief and rolled his eyes at me.
It physically hurt my heart for days, for him to brush off my feelings like that.
I felt stupid, even more worthless, but at the same time, angry that he dare disregard my feelings like that. And I continued to battle with all the emotions for days and I’m still struggling to sort them out now, which is probably why I’m still writing about it.
I did speak with him the other night. How I just wasn’t ready.
That I know its hard, that its hard on me too.
He told me that sometimes he really just missed it. I’m not sure if that was the physical connection or release; maybe it’s the intimacy of it. I don’t know, because he didn’t offer me anymore information, which he rarely does. What little details he offers out of his thoughts and feelings, I have to fight for.
I suggested that we should act as though I’m a virgin who is definitely not going to give it up. It sounds silly, but I think that is really one way of looking at this. I want to kiss and be close to him, I want to cuddle and talk but I feel that this no sex thing or maybe just my breakdown has put a wall up between us.
He snores softly just feet away and sometimes I look over and just wanna crawl in bed next to him and touch him. Affectionately, sometimes even passionately, but I don’t actually want to have sex with him. I wanna make out like teenagers or honeymooners. I wanna feel the love and affection. but I wanna know that I don’t have to have sex.
I don’t want to feel pressured.
Even if that pressure is all in my head.
I’m just not at the place I need to be to believe that I can be loved for me, I guess, without all the physical stuff.
(meds kicked in and I lost my thoughts to keep writing…..I WILL continue to try to continue this story tomorrow)