Love of a Husband

This breakdown has been hard on me.  Frustrating even.  But luckily I have had my husband by my side.  If no one else is there, he is.

He hasn’t always been the most supportive.  In fact for many years, he ignored my tears, thinking I was being dramatic and has even commented “but you cry all the time.”  We even separated last year, and I came close to leaving him again this year.  He struggled with my drug addiction, I struggled with his alcoholism.  We both struggled with trust and honesty with each other.  But he’s never hit me.  He’s never left me.  I think if he had done either of those, there would have been no way I would have been able to be with him now, due to my past.  If he hit me, I would be forever convinced he was just like everyone else and if he left me, I would constantly have fear of abandonment with him.

But he’s even been attending some counseling sessions with me.  He’s learning to understand what is wrong with me and supports me more.  He recognizes more when I’m stressed out or about to lose it and he gets me talking so I can let it out.  And the most important thing, I think, is I haven’t had sex with him since my breakdown several weeks ago.  He works out of town during the week so I don’t see him, but when he’s home, he has respected my wishes and hasn’t made any sexual advances or hasn’t even been flirtatious with me.

For that, I am thankful.  I know if I were to have sex with him, I would have flashbacks and it would most likely set me back, but I love that he is respectful of my needs.  I wish I didn’t feel guilty about not making love to him, but I do, as with everything else I do or don’t do, even if its best for me, I feel guilty.

Last night, I told him how much I appreciated him and how much I was thankful for the changes he has made in the last several months, because of those changes, I am strong enough to go through this battle in my mind, and know that he will be there for me no matter what.  He just thanked me for sharing my life with him, after I thanked him for listening to me.

I miss him when he is away, but I also appreciate the time I have alone to process my thoughts and feelings, especially since I’m working two jobs (about 60 hours a week) and don’t get too much time to myself anymore.

I know God brought Andres into my life.  He has given me two children with him and has honored our marriage.  My husband is finally a born again Christian and is allowing God to work on his heart.

Two nights ago, Sunday night, his last night with me, I just caressed his face and hair while he slept thinking of how great of a blessing he is to me.  I cried, of course, and wondered how I could be so lucky.  Things have been horrible, but they have also been great.  And we are struggling with money and time away from each other right now, but we still continue to work together for the better of our family and he has helped me with the kids and house more than ever.

I know my family will abandon me if I have a full blown out breakdown.  And the fact that I may be in the middle of one right now, scares me, but I know Andres, will never leave my side, even if it gets hard.   That is enough for me, to keep pushing on, knowing I have my best friend/husband on my side.

I can do this.  And so can you.