Suicide Awareness

Today is suicide awareness day and I invite you all to either write “love” on your wrist or wear yellow to show your love and support for those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts or family members who have lost someone to suicide.
I was a cutter for many, many years. Starting around the age 11 or 12. Back then it was only superficial cuts that could be defined as a paper cut; but it started out only being a couple, and the need got greater and greater. I needed to cut more, to see more blood, so the cuts came more often, and deeper. By the time I was 21, I was cutting almost daily and when drugs and alcohol were involved, I would cut to the extreme, including one day when I was drunk, I cut both of my legs from ankle to knee and both arms, wrist to elbow. That was the only time I cut my legs like that, but here I am over ten years later with scars on my legs from that night.
While cutting does not necessarily mean that someone is suicidal, it certainly means someone is in pain and they need help. I didn’t realize until a few years ago, when I went through treatment for my drug addiction, that I was really angry and I hated myself. I had built so much pain and anger up inside me, and it built and built until it came pouring out, in blood, when I would give up.
When I was feeling down, hurt, anger, sad, rejected, I learned to deal with that pain by cutting. I used to tell myself when I was upset like that, “You are so fucking worthless.” “You’re fat, no one wants you” “You’re so stupid” “How could you be so stupid?” “You are a whore” “You’re ugly” Those self-insults (not affirmations) encouraged me to dig deeper, to hate myself more.
The secret was, all I wanted was love. I never learned proper coping skills growing up in a household full of abuse (and outside the home too) but when you have to sit at the dinner table and play with the person who molested you for years, then raped you for several more, you learn things. You learn to be uncomfortable, hurt, sad, and that is comfortable to you. Chaos is comfortable. Pain is all you know.
It’s a vicious cycle, because even when I got a great guy that treated me like a queen, I tested him and pushed him away. A simple fight over what movie to watch would cause me to break up with him because I thought the fight was rejection and its better for me to end it, then him. I once bawled for a whole night because my boyfriend in high school said he would break up with me if I got cancer and had to have chemo and lose all my hair. I asked him all this, of course…. I pushed him to answer me, and I didn’t like the answers I got. To me, that was just confirmation that he was looking for a way out, and he would take it if he got it.
I’m not sure if I’m over the cutting. Though I haven’t cut myself in the horrible, scarring ways that I used to, I have cut myself in the past several years, here and there, perhaps once or twice a year. The last time I did it, was a few months ago, when my husband told me he didn’t love me for the past two years- the past two years, when I was sober and trying to be the perfect wife and I wanted to leave because he wasn’t making me happy and didn’t seem happy himself. He has since changed his feelings about that, he was depressed and angry himself.
Anyways, I didn’t mean to share my story of cutting but well, the Holy Spirit drives my mouth and fingers, so I want to say, that someone out there needs to read this. See this. And I welcome any messages or anything if someone needs to talk or has interest in learning any thing more about my experience.
Anyways, today in honor of National Suicide Awareness day. Please wear yellow or write LOVE on your wrist to show your support. I did. This is my picture.
love

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7 thoughts on “Suicide Awareness

      1. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I feel we bloggers are trying to bring just a little more light to a world that can unfortunately be very dark! One love!

      2. I know for sure, I write to enlighten others by things I have learned. 🙂 Of course I respond back! I love anyone who takes the time to read AND comment on my writing! Thank you!!!! God bless.

      3. I just re-read this post, I reblogged it also! Let me tell u something, u are fucking amazing! I’ve never cut, but I’ve lied down with people I shouldn’t have, I’ve smoked a pipe, I’m a recovering addict who relapsed last week! I get my meds tomorrow for my depression. My point is we have all been thru some rough rough sh*t, but we are worthy. We’ll be ok! Try not to cut anymore, u don’t wanna scar anymore of that beautiful milky skin of yours! You are an inspire to complete strangers, never forget that!

      4. I slipped a cut when I relapsed over the summer. But other than that, I had been cut and drug free for over two years. Thank you. I think I’m amazing but I often wonder if anyone else sees it. But then I try not to be too proud because of my relationship with God. You will be ok! I’ve tried every drug, though crack and heroin were my downfall. but I picked myself back up and I’m stronger than ever. I actually learned how strong I was going through withdraw, and still able to care for my two toddlers. Try to learn from your mistakes, your relapse. If you learn from it, even if its small, (like a new trigger or something else you need to avoid) then it was worth it right? And you are getting back on meds, so that’s great! !!!! You are awesome too, and I am going to try to start writing more regularly, and reading more regularly so I look forward to what you have to say in your blog and any future comments!!!!
        xoxo

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